


The letter

by Vinushuka



Series: One year with Apocalyptica [26]
Category: Apocalyptica
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 13:16:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11253714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinushuka/pseuds/Vinushuka
Summary: Anna has an exciting week after the welcoming party. She is preparing with Perttu for a paternity test but before that she has to inform Patrik about it and discuss his future plans. Yusuke sends Anna a thank-you note that contains much more than just formal thanks stirring up unprecedented feelings in Anna's mind.





	1. After the party

## After the party (1)

I knew it would be a mission impossible to fall asleep immediately after the pleasant but also very exciting welcoming party. Therefore I took my time to clean up the kitchen and the living room after my Japanese quests had left and tried to sort out the numerous questions that had popped up in my mind during the night.

      I couldn’t help wondering why Patrik had chosen to break up with Eicca already on last Tuesday. Nothing in Patrik’s or Naoki’s behavior pointed to the possibility that they would already be lovers. Maybe Patrik just needed some peace of mind after all the pain and anxiety the relationship with Eicca had caused him. If I had foreseen the consequences of my stupid plan to use Patrik as a decoy to lure Eicca away from Franky I would never have realized the plan. Who in his right mind would inflict a pain like that on anyone, least of all on Patrik whom I loved dearly? Maybe my judgement at the time was clouded by my passion for Perttu and the band I was working for.

      Then there was the question of paternity. What would happen if Patrik against all odds was Lumi’s father? I just couldn’t imagine Patrik committing to a woman as old as I was. He needed someone of his own age just like Perttu. I was of course happy that my daughter had two eager father candidates but neither of them would be a suitable companion for me in the long run.

      The idea of a companion brought my thoughts back to Yusuke. The man had had more than a fair share of suffering in his life so maybe it was too early for him to consider a new relationship. Minor details like my pregnancy didn’t seem to bother him or was it just my incompetence to interpret his Japanese body language. Somehow, for the first time in my life, I had felt this strange combination of sexual attraction and companionship in one person. The look in his eyes when we said our goodbyes convinced me that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

      The next week would be extremely interesting. I had arranged an appointment for me and Perttu at the DNA test lab on Wednesday, 18th of March.  They ensured me that the test results would be available in about two weeks after the samples were taken, just in time before Apocalyptica’s next tour with Sixx:AM in USA.

      On Monday I would meet Patrik again if and when he chose to attend our Japanese lesson. It would certainly be interesting to hear why he had left Eicca. I didn’t have a chance to tell him about the paternity test during our party so I would have to break the news to him on Monday. I was sure he would be as eager as Perttu to hear the test results.

      I could also wait to hear from Yusuke as it was customary in Japan to send a thank-you note after a party like mine. The tone of his message, whether it was a letter or an e-mail, would tell a lot about his intentions.

       When everything in my household was again in tiptop order I sat down at the living room table trying to relive the strong presence of the man that had sat beside me. I took into my hands the beautiful wooden sake box he had brought me and slid my fingers over the kanji decorating the front of the box. The thought of having something from him overwhelmed me and made me burst into tears. I’m not sure if I cried for the sake of his lost family or for the family I had never had, but at that moment the sorrow over something forever lost almost broke my heart.

      When I finally climbed upstairs into my bedroom I knew there was nothing more I could do but to continue my life and studies as usual. The garden was still fast asleep under the persistent snow drifts but tomorrow I could plant the first seeds to start this year’s growing season. I crawled into my warm bed my mind drifting into the lush greenery of the next summer and my little daughter enjoying her first days of sunshine and warmth.


	2. Sensitive issues with Patrik

## Sensitive issues with Patrik (2)

As always my heart was filled with joy when I saw this handsome young man in his white shirt and very long ponytail smiling at me behind the wheel as I entered his car.

“How are we doing today?” he asked when I was trying to find a comfortable position on the front seat with my sizable belly.

“Thanks, we are doing fine. I caught a serious case of spring fever yesterday when I planted my first tomato seeds for next summer.” I grinned and reached out my hand to tug his ponytail. I loved every inch of this lovely young man even if I knew he wasn’t meant for me.

“How did Naoki and Yusuke like the party?” I asked after a short silence. I was really curious to hear their comments about the meal and other arrangements.

“They were a bit confused about your situation. I had to do some explaining about Finnish way of living together without getting married and the rights of children born outside marriage and of course the equality of sexes. I’m not sure they understood everything but I think they are getting the hang of it. I also used the opportunity to explain about the possibility of same sex marriages and adoption of children in that kind of relationships.”

“Poor guys! It must have been a real cultural shock to them. I’m glad they had you to enlighten them about our legislation”, I commented grateful for Patrik’s support.

“Did they like the meal?” I asked when Patrik obviously wasn’t going to tell me anything more.

“Yeah, absolutely. They loved your spare ribs and the dessert. The stones in the cloudberry jam were a bit strange for them though.”

“That’s nice to hear”, I mused and turned to look at Patrik. “How are you doing with Naoki? He seemed to be very happy with you.”

“We are getting along fine. I hope there’s a future for us.”

“Is that the reason you broke up with Eicca?” I finally collected my courage and asked the question that had bothered me.

“Partially yes, but I just go tired of competing for Eicca’s attention with Kirsi and Perttu and the rest of the world. I should have believed him when he tried to convince me last November that our relationship wouldn’t work.”

“I’m happy that you made this decision. I don’t want you to suffer needlessly”, I whispered my eyes tearing up.

      We were already at the end of the motorway approaching the institute and I hadn’t yet told him anything about the paternity test. I gave a quick sideways glance at Patrik and forced myself to tackle this sensitive subject.

“There was one thing I wanted to tell you already on Saturday but I didn’t have the chance. I’m going to have a paternity test made with Perttu next Wednesday.”

“Really? Did you tell him after all that he may not be Lumi’s father?” Patrik asked sounding surprised and turned to look at me.

“Actually no. I think he figured it out by himself when Eicca told him about your comments, preparing for fatherhood and stuff like that.”

“Sorry about that! I didn’t think how close relationship Eicca has with Perttu when I told him about my motives.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m happy that this uncertainty gets an ending soon. It will take only two weeks to get the results. If you want to you can come and give your DNA sample too, just to be on the safe side.”

“Unfortunately I will be travelling for the rest of the week so I can’t participate. Isn’t it enough that Perttu takes the test? If he’s not the father, then it’s me.”

“Basically that’s exactly so”, I admitted feeling slightly disappointed. It would have been nice to see Patrik again on Wednesday. Seeing him made me happy. I just couldn’t help it.

      We arrived at the institute slightly ahead of time so we used the spare time to enjoy a cup of coffee at the cafeteria. The cafeteria owner gave us a friendly smile while Patrik took his time to select a pastry to eat and two chocolate bars for us as dessert. When we were at the table I showed Patrik my method of studying kanji. I had used it successfully in learning 600 kanji and felt very confident about it. The only problem was that the stories I had used in memorizing the keyword and the primitives were so erotic that I couldn’t show them to Patrik. He was the subject of most of my fantasies.

“Have you given any thought to helping me with Lumi?” I asked when Patrik had finished eating his pastry.

“Yes I have, but actually I would like to know first the test results if it takes only two weeks. I’m sure it would help us to make the right decisions.”

“That’s fine. I appreciate your consideration whatever the end result is”, I said reaching out my hand over the table to touch his.

“You know I would do anything for you”, Patrik smiled looking enigmatic and squeezed my hand into his.

      To my great satisfaction Patrik offered to drive me home after the lesson. Standing at the bus stop in the cold darkness wasn’t exactly my favorite pastime.

“I already miss you. I hate it when you’re faraway”, I told him when he had parked his car at the curb.

“I will be in Sweden. That’s not very far. I can give you a call some evening if you like.” Patrik promised and caressed my cheek with his fingers. “Take care!”


	3. The letter

## The letter (3)

Patrik’s promise to call me made me almost too happy. It wasn’t healthy for me to dream about his love and affection. They just weren’t meant for me. In spite of that I crawled under my blanket that night dreaming of Patrik’s firm butt under my palms and his hair falling on my face when he pushed himself deep inside me. The images of us two making love were disturbingly real and I never wanted them to end even if part of me reminded dryly that I should get some sleep.

      The next thing I knew was that I started awake in the middle of the night having a mind blowing orgasm. I could still feel weak contractions when I pushed my finger inside my soft wetness. Patrik had fucked me gorgeously in my dream but my orgasm had been very real. I didn’t understand how that was possible but I was utterly happy and satisfied after my experience.

      When I woke up in the morning I felt confused and ridiculously happy at the same time. I was tempted to tell Patrik about my experience right away but then something made me change my mind. Maybe he would think that I was a crazy old bitch clinging to him desperately. It would be better if I cherished the memory just by myself.

      Anyways when I entered the bathroom I saw a happy woman with glowing cheeks in the mirror, ready to tackle the challenges of the day. Today Perttu would be back from Mexico and I would probably see him in the afternoon. Today was also the day I could expect a letter from Yusuke assuming he would stick to the good old Japanese habits.

       Perttu turned up at the office at noon time and we headed to the local diner to grab some lunch.

“How was the show in Mexico?” I asked when we had ordered our portions and were nibbling our meager salads offered as starters.

“You know the Latin American audiences. They go absolutely crazy already before we are on stage and it gets even wilder during the show. It’s wonderful to feel so welcome”, Perttu enthused although he looked slightly worn out. “But I hate all that sitting on airplanes and waiting at the airports. My body is literally screaming for fresh air and exercise.”

“Are you having a riding session with Johanna today?” I asked almost guessing his answer.

“Sure, today and on Thursday. Wednesday is reserved for the lab and couple of meetings in Helsinki.”

“Will you come by for sauna next weekend” I asked remembering the sad ending of our last sauna evening.

“If you want me to. I love your back scrubs and other treatments as well”, Perttu snickered. His smile made want him so badly that I had to wriggle on my seat.

“It’s a date then”, I replied feeling happy. “By the way I told Patrik about the paternity test and asked if he would like to take the test too. Unfortunately he’s travelling the whole week so he can’t join us.”

“That’s fine. I guess the result will be pretty clear. If I’m not the father, then it’s him”, Perttu commented looking slightly worried. I would have wanted to ask how he felt about the whole thing but the waiter interrupted us by bringing our portions.

“Have you told Johanna about your house plans?” I changed the subjects when we were alone again

“Yes, last week. She promised to help me with the search. I think she would like to live on the countryside too.” Perttu replied carefully. Talking openly about Johanna with me was clearly difficult for him.

“I really hope you’ll find a nice home for you two.” I said trying to sound brisk but my voice deceived me by breaking down. The hurt inside was killing me. The lovely man sitting opposite of me was very soon going to belong to another. I knew it was best for him but that didn’t prevent me from feeling rejected and scared. I stared at the tablecloth trying to control my pain but I just couldn’t hold back my tears.

“Please don’t cry.  You know how much I love you and Lumi. Nothing changes that”, he whispered and grabbed hold of my hand.

“I know that but these stupid feelings are killing me and I can’t help it.”

      Perttu brought me back to the office before he would head to the stables. When he was leaving he took me into his arms and embraced me tenderly. “I really hope that I’m the father of this child. You know how doubtful I was about being a father at the beginning but now things are very different.”

      Perttu’s words confirmed the feeling I’d had already for some time. He was ready and willing to be a responsible adult without sacrificing the child and artist in him. I was proud of making that happen even if I wouldn’t be the one to enjoy the results of this transformation.

\-----

      When I arrived at home the first thing to do was to check up my mailbox. There it was: a little white envelope with my name and address written on it in tidy handwriting. I took a deep breath and hurried inside my house the letter almost burning my fingers. I sat down at the living room table and stared at the letter turning it around in my hands. Finally I took a knife and opened the envelope.  It had in it a formal thank-you card and a handwritten note in English with the exception of the last two lines that were in Japanese.

      The English part was rather informal thanking me about my hospitability and excellent dinner. Yusuke also wrote that he was very sorry if he upset me by telling about his personal tragedy and that he liked cooking with me. He would be happy to teach me some Japanese archery if I was interested.

      The last two lines were a haiku written by Mitsuo Aida.

いまここにしかないわたし

のいのちあなたのいのち

I wondered why it was written in hiragana although even I knew what kanji should be used. But most of all I wondered about the meaning of the simple words.

At this moment, at this place,

There’s only my life and your life

      The power of this haiku was clearly in the interpretation. Everyone could find their own meaning and purpose in it. For me the words were packed with anticipation. My life and his life had been connected for a short moment last Saturday. What we would do about it would be up to us.

      I was THAT close to picking up my phone and calling to Yusuke right away after reading the letter but I didn’t. I decided to hold my horses and instead wrote him a friendly e-mail. I let him know that I would gladly familiarize myself with Japanese archery under his guidance. I also proposed that we could continue our cooking exercises sometime in April when I could show him my garden awakening to spring. Unfortunately sakura would come later on in May due to our colder climate. I also thanked him for the haiku that hit the nail on the head.

      I didn’t expect Yusuke to reply right away so I closed my computer and dressed up for a walk to calm down my overly excited nerves. The weather was already quite mild and the walkways were free from ice and snow.  Blackbirds were singing in the close by trees pumping up my spring fever. I had seen the birds in my garden looking for something to eat under the shrubs that were already free from snow. I took a long slow walk enjoying the fresh air and thinking about my future that seemed to be at a turning point once more.

　To be honest I was surprised when I found Yusuke’s reply in my inbox when I returned home. This time it was only one haiku: It’s your heart that always decides about your happiness.

しあわせはいつも自分の心がきめる

The man was serious about us! I tried to read the poem once more but couldn’t because tears were clouding my eyes. I gave up and let my feelings brim over. My heart had decided to try.


End file.
